Crushed.
I knew it was coming. I didn't know it would affect me that much.
The result?
My heart is crushed. Not in a bad way though. The pieces of my heart fall apart to the truthful words spoken to me. Suddenly, I realized how so many things in my past I havent dealt with. I thought I have moved on. I have left those things behind. I am living my life now. But tonight, all the thoughts of the past are coming back to me now. I let those years passed by believing that in time, things will be alright.
But the truth of the matter is, all the brokenness of the past are waiting for the right time to be exposed. If I was healed, why can't I talk about my past so freely? so joyfully? so easily? Perhaps, there werent complete closure yet.
Those words cut through my heart. It caused me to look back and go back. Not really to dwell on it but just to make me realize that I needed to be healed, completely;To forgive, completely; To confess, humbly; To see God in every situation and know that He was there all along. God silenced my lips to make me listen to Him and wounded my heart to heal me. If that what it takes, so be it. He knows Iv'e been stagnant for so long. Waiting for the water in the well to come out. Pretending things are going just fine or will be fine. But no. He wants to deal with me, all of me. He is breaking me now. Yes, it's painful. It really hurts. I am on the process of understanding what does "the peace of the Lord" really mean; what does Grace really mean, what does forgiveness really mean; what does the "joy of the Lord is my strength" really mean, what does "He makes all things New" really mean; what does "Be still and Know that I am God" really mean. Not on my own understanding or definition but HIS.
I know this is good for me. Later, when I look back, I wont feel the pain anymore but instead see the grace of God cover it all and I can be able to wholeheartedly agree with what HE said, with all conviction, that "It is finished".
